Alas, to which is true, my life's past is rather morbid, to an extent, but highly ridiculous. Whilst you read my riddled words (yes, too much LotR, i must admit), read into my mind, body and soul.. tell me, dear stranger, how is it, that my life, speaks of so little, yet is exxagerated so much by my own? *ponders*
Ever since a little girl, I've been ignored. well, felt ignored, by my own relatives. My aunts and uncles always ignored and shunned me, like i was some plague... while many of you out there would love to cuff me 'round my head to tell me to 'get over it', do remember, I am one who dwells in my past more often than I would prefer to do so.
but that's besides the point.. (just a fair warning, I like skipping around in my thoughts... it gets highly confusing) Just recently, I have been stumped by one whom I though I could trust deeply. Known to me as a person of such noble grandeurs, such amazing interests and wonders in his life, alot of my close friends think this person to be too good to be true. Yes, I am talking of Fabio. But, whether he is a real person or not, remains a mystery to me. why would I say that? Just not but a few days back, I found a picture (an exact replica) of a boy in a magazine, with the name of Glenn Lee. However, the other picture that fabio gave me, was the exact same one. My friends deduced that he lied to me. I was led to think that way too, and not thinking things through, I sent fabio a harsh warning. But then again, that's besides the point. A person, a friend, a trusted companion, actually betrayed my trust..
Devastated as I was, making me highly unaware of my surroundings, leaving me in my deep thoughts, I was robbed. Robbed of my mobile phone.. my only way of communicating with the outside world. literally. All the phone numbers that I had, all gone. Nothing left. Robbed, of a friendship, I thought I had forged.
The feeling of depression and betrayal, along with a sudden rip away from something plus someone I hold dear to me, now, that isn't something I really expected! I've been through heartbreaks after heartbreaks. Of which many have been Agape love and Athos love... something about universal love and brotherly love.. Eros love, I have yet to experience.
Friends have died, so have kins of mine. Strangers whom I have never known, have died too.. I mourned for them, yes, have I mourned for them. It came in many ways, but all in one familiar emotion. Of sadness, of grief. Wave after wave of sadness will wash and crash down upon me. Yet, I still stand today. To watch your loved ones die or vanish before your very eyes, I am sure that is not one many seek to have. I think I may have grown accustomed to this pain. This heart-wrenching pain that is too familiar to me. For I am not even the slightest angry, nor sad that a friend has betrayed my trust for him. nor am i saddened that I have been robbed of my only prized possession.
Many find me eccentric. I probably am. I tend to contradict myself too many times in my simple, yet complicated life. I hardly make any sense to myself, yet I speak the clearest of words in the worst ever situations I find myself stuck in with many others.
Many find me silly, for selflessly giving up my own free time to volunteer to do things for others, when I could easily do the same thing for a price of monetary values.
Yet, I do not seek money. Not at this point of time. What I seek of, is acceptance. What I seek of, is to see the smiles of others, knowing that it is I, who set those smiles on their faces, and not others.
But sadly, no one sees that. They stereotype me somehow. dunno how they do that, but they just do...
ah well...
this will be continued, later...
As of now,
Laters...
posted by anj @ 02:48
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