yet another night...
Everyday, I come home to an empty house. The first thing I would do, is to look for my cat.Previously, when I got home from school to an empty house everyday, the first thing I would do, was to sigh. Out of plain exhaustion and lack of sleep.
Yesterday, I got home from school to an empty house. I didn't look for my cat this time, I sighed. More out of boredom, sadness, and out of loneliness.
I have once again neglected my best friends. I miss them so much. Yet all those afternoons out with my other friends, don't comfort me. It just makes me depressed so much more.
Gone were the days when I could smile for a good reason out from no where. Gone, were the times when I could do things without bothering about the consequences of my actions.
Gone were those happy days.
Life isn't all that bad at the moment, but it's not how I want it to be.
Everyday, I force a smile. no, correct that, smiles. I feel so fake.
It icks me out to feel this way.
I should be happy with how the way things are. It's probably for the best. But, a huge part of me isn't happy with it.
Have you ever came to such a stand-still moment in life, when your head agrees with the heart to just not take any sides and both just quit their jobs of having to decide anything by just picking out the most neutral of agreements: To just hibernate...??
That's what I'm going through now. Nothing seems to satisfy what I feel and want to have. It just satisfies the need to get the job completed. Not much of a satisfaction there, if you come to think about it carefully.
Things are just so different from the way it was 2 years ago.
Ahh, 2 years, so long, yet so short. Contradicting words, yet, you will agree. 2 years can pass so fast, yet in the present moment, going through 2 years takes a life-time to get over with.
I know I've repeated the same old story countless times, about how Janice died, how slowly, one by one, the people I love the most, yet neglected them just as much as I loved them, died right before my very eyes. I just stood there watching them, watch them die, movement and time ticking away like an old, antique black and white movie.
I don't blame myself for their deaths now. It's part and parcel of being human to have to die. Be it of diffential reasons.
But I find it a disappointment, a sadness in me that takes over.
A pity that comes over me when I think of them. A shame that brings me over, whenever I think about how useless I was, sitting there, watching them yet doing nothing.
But now, I have new cases that have been brought forth to me. While stopping one, and teaching her things that she would need to know, I watch the other.. whither off like how a flower with too much sunlight and too little water dies slowly. At least, he is in good hands at the moment, but whether he will recover again, I'm clueless.
I know I do not need to worry, but still, I frown upon my ability to do nothing, but just be that locked out person once more, staring into their lives, watching them through the dark glass walls, and not being able to do anything. They lose hope, but there's only so much I can do, banging at the layered glass, trying to get them to look at me and wake up.
If only I can break those barriers that lock me away from all of them.
If only...
Everyday, I think about the same thing, yet nothing at all. All the different thoughts all lead back to one thing: nothing.
Whenever I ask myself about what really means to be thinking of something, I end up not knowing what to answer myself with, I end up knowing nothing out of it. I end up not knowing what to do, what to say. And eventually, not thinking about anything at all.
If only I knew what do and say, things would be so much better off than what it is right now.
If only...
posted by anj @ 03:00
<< Home