Listening to: you guessed it!! ^^ Hilary Duff ~*~ Come Clean
Mood: --
"Come Clean"
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned
'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy
[CHORUS:]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin
'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind
[CHORUS:]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming...
[CHORUS:]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
You know, I think best and the most during the early wee hours of the morning.. perhaps coz I know that there's no one to disturb my thoughts, there's no one breathing down my neck, there's no one to entertain.. no one to bother with and no one bothering me.. such solitude, I used to have if I shut everyone out...
However, I know that's not the way to treat others.. I'm the 'ice queen' as it is.. I don't need to say much in class previously.. well, I did talk alot.. only with the people that I feel that I can relate to very well, and that I can trust whole-heartedly, somewhat.. means if I talk to you often, it really means I trust you.. ^^ that's me anyways..
I know people always tend to tell us, young teens.. you have to trust your parents and all that.. trust your siblings and all that.. see.. that's where I find it quite weird.
For I don't tell my parents many things, I don't speak to my siblings at all. I feel practically locked up inside. My only source of relief and all that is through writing.. I choose to write in my journals.. but then again, writing it all down on pen and paper.. I just find no use reading it.. I mean, yeah, I can use that to back date certain stuff, jot down significant events.. but other than that, just writing alone doesn't do much.. I still feel very much.. I dunno.. It's as if part of me is aching to find out this missing piece in my life..
That's all I know.. I've got this last part in my life that's missing.. once I find it, my life would fall into its place, and I will find my position in life.. and I will know what to do..
You see.. for me, I have to have everything laid out perfectly first before actually doing anything.. it's the people around who rushes past me, urging me to make impromptu decision, forcing me to take on certain goals in life that I don't really enjoy..
Like what many would say, it's the people in your life that makes a huge difference to it. And I'd agree..
Perhaps, if I can concentrate for a few days, perhaps, weeks.. just really concentrate.. I'd find that missing part.. I mean, I keep playing this song over and over and over again.. For me, (maybe not for you) I think it makes alot of sense.. it's not just some commercial pop song you know...
"Let's go back
Back to the beginning"
I've always done that.. I keep doing that.. running back to the same damn point many times.. Let's see.. I've ran back to that point for about over 10 times in my life already. Every start of term, every start of year.. every start of anything.. I find myself back at the beginning. I don't want that.
"'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy"
And that's where I find myself stuck at, you know.. just like trying to fit a square into a circle and vice versa.. it's just not there.. I'm not quite there yet.. and this year.. I planned to do something different.. but.. heh.. I haven't.
"I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin"
right now, that's what I'm doing.. I'm trying to find just a pigment, just one fragment of something that's me.. but, I just don't get it.. I know you're getting what I'm trying to say.. but just read on.. you ought to know me better by now.. I have to mull things over and over again.. and I do it aloud.. while trying not to go round in circles.. I just don't see why.. why sometimes I do things.. just to please others. Come to think of it, it irks me so when I know that I have to do things for others just to benefit them. I'm too easy-going.. but that's me.. I'll have to change that somewhat..
"'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind"
Different not feeling so different. I've felt this so many times, I can't seem to start contemplating on that.. Just when you think that you're so different from someone, you find that you're so alike to him/her. Like whenever I feel like I'm so poor and someone else is so damn rich.. I find that, hey.. we're so different.. but after awhile.. I realise.. man.. he/she's just like me.. just a guy/girl who really is so normal.
Sometimes, voicing thoughts out is very much better than keeping it all inside. Doesn't have to be vocally.. through music, through writings.. musings.. ramblings (like mine)... just like what hilary duff sings, "feel the wind" I suppose I very much just have to stand there alone, and very much still, and feel the wind against me.. Me against the wind. The wind being your constant words of critisms, compliments, insults, whatevers.. yeah...
"Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean"
And then, the chorus.. letting the rain fall down.. pretty much feels like soaking up everything's that thrown at me.. I just get the full blast of a minor part of it.. Words thrown at me, more like it.. for most words given to me nowadays, wakes up parts of me that I've never known before.. it wakes up parts of me that I've always wanted to show..
Sometimes, the words.. well, it just takes away parts of me to show the other sides of me.. get what I mean? Words that irk me, anger me, humble me.. I dunno.. words may be words, but words make alot of difference and can be the most vicious thing that you can have if you know how to make use of it the best way that you can..
But.. good words of advice and encouragement.. well, it just makes me a new person all over, get me?
This song speaks much of what I wanna say.. although it's quite on the tip of the ice berg that is me.
Finding what I want to do in my life, isn't an easy task. I am, however, rest assured.. that I will find it someday.. (it's a hunch that I have) While many will tell me not to trust in hunches.. you're sadly mistaken. I work in so many different ways, you don't really know how to comphrehend. I work on my hunches. And I will work on it till I find what I'm finding.
I know I may seem distracted and all that, and I don't have to explain my distractedness to you, simply because, this is me.
Just accept me for who I am, and trust that I will find my place.. many find it while they are young. And though life is short, and everyone tend to 'enjoy' their life when they are young....
Always remember, everyone works in different ways. Like for Jezz.. he found his place in life.. to be a doctor.. and he's on his path on being one. or like this other friend of mine, Valerie.. she's one lucky girl.. she knows what she wants to do.. she knows where she wants to be.. and now, she's in Canada already.. having her time in life.
As for me.. I don't know what I want in my life. with so many things going on.. perhaps.. all I wanted to say was "leave me be. Gimme my time alone.." haha.. I know if I didn't do things the long-winded way, all of you would be asking me all sorts of questions.. Not how I'd like it, mind you... but anyways, if you still don't get what I mean.. haiz.. I guess you can just ask me anyways..
but the bottom line is just to let me be for the next few days.. perhaps weeks.. I do apologise if I don't talk to you.. but I guess I need to think things through?
As of nows,
LatTaZ...
P.S:
posted by anj @ 01:55
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