The case of being numbed
See, I'm being numbed in many ways I can't exactly comprehend..My last toe's numbed coz of a horrible insect bite, don't worry, it's getting better, I do hope.
My brain's numbed. Of obvious reasons that I can't exactly think now, due to the overload of information uploaded to my 2% poor meshed up grey matter.
My neck feels numbed. I didn't have a very good sleep last night. But everyone gets that too..
My heart feels numbed, yet, it isn't numbed. I still feel the aches, the pain from so many things that has happened. The most painful of all being him, but that's a situation I'm trying to forgive and forget with every passing day. But the most disappointing being janice. How my best friend could jump off the building like that. okay, I admit, I wasn't exactly very close to her at the point of time when she committed suicide. But still, I gave her a warning I didn't know what I was talking about. Which was very weird.. I feel a really deep and unforgiving sense of loss in me whenever I think of Janice.
She died on the 6th March, 2002. That very day, I still remember very significantly and vividly in my mind. The words I said, and the shock I got the day after, it was something I didn't expect at all. but somehow, I accepted it all in a very dettached manner.
Which makes me wonder if I'm even ever human at all?
Then again, it's been 3 years. And I miss her. Her crazy antics, her forgiving ways, her cheerful facades, her friendly smiles and her warm and big hugs...
But she died in a sad mood. It saddens me to know that I could have done something to help her. To save her from her misery. Many nights when I lay in bed so still and quiet, I wondered, what kind of friend am I? To abandon your own best friend to further your own personal goals and interests?
It was through such nights, I decided I ought to be a better friend and help my other friends, no matter how un-close I was to them. It was then.. I decided to be a better person and not care so much about myself sometimes, to sacriface some time for others, be cheerful and helpful and be there for others..
Because of all the guilt I had from not saving the person who once, once in my life, and in her's... understood me best.. I understood her the best too. only once, once in my life.
No doubt I regret it now. It's a regret and a fault and a terrible guilt I can't ever forgive myself of, no matter how hard I try...
I know I should let go of it, but some things in life, it's hard to let go. Especially when it concerns your former best friend..
I'm sorry for this sad mundane post. I just had to get it off my chest for the while.
Meanwhile, school wasn't so bad, I ignored them, they ignored me. But I still felt troubled (by the above mundane part about regret), maybe they knew I was feeling troubled and were a little better to me, but whatever it is, I'm not bothering anymore.
I suppose I'm gonna be this way till the start of next semester. I hope I'll cheer up soon, even though my worries were casted aside temporarily in lecture just now when I was seated next to peisuan. (she was kind enough to go all rubbish and go all romeo & juliet on me all through biostats) =) And I also had mizael to entertain me with "I'm so bored. feel like skipping class!" sms-es.. haha.. dude, study man!
I talked to elene from 0405 (she used to be from 4Endurance in SJC) today after lectures.. =) I really forgot how it is to be playful.. haha.. maybe one of these days when I really can let my hair go and laugh like a mad girl again, I'll start vandalising people's arms with flowers and funny faces, their names and the class's motto (which I have no idea what it is -any suggestions?)... graphitize my books, and my buddies books.. heh...
anyway, time to get back to completing my reports...
toodles! ;)
angeline
posted by anj @ 16:25
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