jumpy and jumpy and jumpy some more...
Thanks to my many... er, friends. I'm constantly reminded that I'll be getting my academical results tomorrow.I'm so screwed up anxious about it.
*paces about*
say a lil' prayer for me, will you?
People these days are so superficial.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the thought of being indirectly insulted right smack in my face in front of 7 other people. (thank god only 7, not the whole theatre of people)
As hurtful as it is, I try my best to maintain my composure, just telling myself, maybe I'm just being oversensitive.
Perhaps so... yeah, maybe I was being oversensitive.
Then again, how more obvious can it get when someone goes "you're not supposed to be here, you know? I didn't even put your name on the list, so what are you doing here?"
How hurtful it is to be sitting just across my supposed 'best friend' and watch her scream over the phone about me being an extra. nice. real nice. what a comfort it is to know she thinks i'm 'extra'.
Thanks for making me 'extra'. labelling me 'extra'.
I might as well be hated for being 'extra' now, right? so much for trying to understand all the time, to be so bloody caring.
but it's okay, since you wanna be like that, I don't mind. I can just play along and act like everything's fine and dandy. Maybe you don't realise it, but you're just slicing little gashes at my emotions bit by bit everytime you say something. Every little unknown insult you throw at me, the gash gets bigger.
You may think it's funny, but I don't.
I don't find it amusing at any rate now.
Perhaps, a year ago, I might've found it extremely hilarious to be made fun of, of my bimbotic ways. Sometimes I can't help being such an air-head, or being so absent-minded, my mind strays in the middle of a topic and I space out.
I may look an idiot, I may sound like one at times too, but I'm still as human as any other human you may know too. I have feelings too. I'm not just a ragdoll you can just hurt and insult upon.
I may make this sound exaggerating, I'm sorry I'm blowing this out of proportion, I'm just tired. sick and tired of being in school. Having to drag myself up, to get everything done, I should put in more conviction, I know, and I'm trying.
But today's words; they hurt me alot.
I don't even know if you'll read this. But blasting me off with those "I didn't even put your name down and the class rep called you in?" really hurt me.
Am I that stupid in your eyes?
Do I look that dumb?
Am I really that slow and stupid?
Stupid enough to be labelled 'incompetent' to you?
it's hurtful and insulting.
maybe this is just part and parcel of growing up, taking critisism to another level. But by indirectly insulting me about my intelligence really hits it.
To think you acted as if nothing happened after that and treated me with another sort of characterism....
*sighs*
whatever to you.
do what you want, behave how you will...
You'll still be my friend in the end, one who'll listen and say something useful to advice me..
Like I said, maybe I'm just being oversensitive.
I'm in no mood to blog, or talk.
"Maybe surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone." That's how I feel in school, really.
Charmaine, I'm sorry I just didn't feel like talking to you (or anyone, for that matter) the whole of last night and today.. I'm just.. tired. Not stressed, just tired.
I'm trying, I really am.
posted by anj @ 21:27
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