lost in love?
I happened to pass by this blog:"Does she exist
For me out there
My heart grows tiresome in purgatory
Never knowing is this my heaven or hell
So much to live for but hurting corrodes the heart
Empty tears.. for who am I crying?
Scared among the thorns crucified to bleeding walls
Scars amongst the dead live in my heart seeking escape
Will the love evaporate the unlicensed boy that seeks
Will the seeking prove worthy in the end
Afraid to live
Afraid to die
Afraid to love
Afraid to live and die unknowing love"
And really.. sometimes I do ask myself too..
will he exist
out there just for me..
to ease my troubles and my pain..
To take away everything,
to whisk me away..
I'd agree to what this fella in that blog says...
My heart too grows tired,
and for whom am I crying for now?
I am rather confused..
I'm afraid to live,
for everything I know would change every moment a step is taken.
I'm afraid to die,
die not knowing anything about everything..
to go without letting him know that I still love him so..
*big sighs*
yet another night spent thinking of haydern.. it's not like I can help it.. so many things around me that reminds me of him. The messages that I have yet to delete from my mobile (yes, I still keep those sms-es), the letters, the pictures.. the only thing I've thrown aside and not bother is the other blog that few know of.
My classmates bring up his presence so many times I can't comprehend when they first said of his title and status to me.
Sometimes, the things they say, just normal everyday things, just remind me of the times we shared.. just makes me unhappy thinking I can't have that anymore.
I dunno, sometimes I find char kinda contradicting in her words..
She tells me that haydern's actually denying everything, and in truth, he's yearning to see me and all that.
Why tell me that when the next sentence you tell me to give him up and just go look for another guy?
Why instill hope in me just to take it away the very next second?
i dunno.. i'm just put into a pendulum of chaos and confusion.
Why can't haydern just tell me how he feels and tell me what exactly is it that he wants me to do? Go away, or be there for him? To shun him with wary caution or to shower more concern and love for him?
Junius, I know you had a point in what you told me just now...
about haydern just needing me there for him.... but I dunno. I just don't want to end up feeling so... strung on the verge of break down when I talk to him coz there's no knowing to what he'll do next in retaliation or whatsoever. Just like my older brother.
It's like every WORD that I speak, the words that leave my lips, I have to calculate and be sure that it doesn't OFFEND my brother in ANY way. strict orders from my parents.
It's a no wonder why I hardly speak my thoughts at home anymore.
I can't go to mom and tell her of haydern's condition. It'll just make her worry more, and I don't want to see her get worried already. she's got enough on her hands.
She keeps breaking down nowadays, tears just well up in her eyes whenever she looks at us kids.. her precious little ones.. she worked so hard to bring all of us up and now this is how my older brother repays her.. it's true, I do feel her pain --sooo much that it hurts me just as much..
She looks at me, and she's begging me not to end up like my brother.. I'm trying so hard not to let end up like him, but with haydern like this, do I stand much chance at it? I don't know..I THINK the only way out for me is to wash my hands off his case. he keeps repeating that point once too many a time, and he makes it sound as though he means it. I know for a fact, part of him fights that.. and for that I'm glad.. but in doing that, it's just the minority.
Logic over rules that numbskull of his.. *shrugs*
I may be wrong in my thinking, I don't know.. but all I do know...
is that I just don't want my mom or dad to worry about me is all...
Anyway, I really have to get going...
haiz... this is so depressing. I just hate thinking about him and everything's that's what's left of us now.. it just sucks big time... i just do hope that he gets better in time to come.. it hurts to see him this depressed and unwell with all the negativity..
posted by anj @ 02:25
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