Oh well..
Anyway, I've been thinking so much, I seem to have forgotten what I've been thinking of so far. You know sometimes when you think about a topic, and then you sidetrack, sidetrack, sidetrack too much, till you try back tracking, you back track till you get yourself so confused, you go "huh? what was I thinking of again?" Yeah, that happened to me the last 3 days.
I have no idea what's it like to have something so precious as MY life to be taken away from me.. I've seen lives of others being taken away. Trust me, I have. Not that I've witnessed a horror murder scene (only in my dreams), I've watched my best friend fade away and lose her hope in life. It's sad...
And watched both my grandparents (one from mom's, the other from dad's)... I watched them slowly fade off... It's so easy to tell that they're going. It's scary to know that, and not being able to ease their way into death from life.
I don't know what's it like to die.. maybe I do.. I've dreamt about it so many times, where I die, in so many situations. but I've come to accept my terms on it. Perhaps it still scares me now, but I try not to dwell in that for too long a time.
But I've never felt what's it like to have all my dreams and aspirations taken away from me...oh wait, I had everything I dreamt of taken away from me, due to the lack of funds..It's hard up being in an average family, I know that, you know that, but not everyone will accept that. Even I still don't accept it sometimes.. about not having enough funds.
I wanted to get an advance in my eduction to getting a bachelor's degree last year by taking the Foundation Year course.. but my parents thought it was too expensive and it was unsafe where I wanted to head to, so I'm left with taking a three year diploma course that would be ultimately useless in my opinion. Coz for the degree that I want, I'd still need a FY course certificate.
Maybe I'm meant to do things the longer way.. it's always been like that.. I pick things up fast, but I let it develop slow. Get what I mean? You could teach me tennis in a day, but I'll let this new skill of mine develop 2 times slower than a bright person's. and almost 2/3 of singaporeans are super bright. So, go figure.
I don't know if my boyfriend ever reads this, and if he does, perhaps he'll know now.. that, yeah, I may not understand it wholly and fully what's it like to be like you.. for i'm never you, but I understand what's it like not to achieve something.. so don't say I don't understand, coz I do understand part of it.
Well, I'm gonna sit my butt in front of this laptop today, listen to my mom bicker with my dear old aunt over silly silly matters about nothing at all.
Had a dream again last night.. I remembered it just now, but I can't seem to recall it again..oh right, i stabbed some villian last night.. he was trying to kill me.. but i took a nearby swiss knife (we've got 3 of those at home) and stabbed him in his abdomen.. i freaked when he told me "i'm sorry" I ran out of my house after that and woke up to my brothers yelling at each other.
Ugh.. anyway, I gotta go.. I don't get a good feeling... =(
posted by anj @ 10:34
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